France seems like such a laissez-faire place. Cell phones in cars, high fat foods, topless beaches, smoking young, breakfast beer, presidential lovers, -- and yet:
THERE ARE LIMITS!
We’ve found two.
ONE: You will NOT NOT NOT steal a Video Rental:
Due to the fact that our millennium mini-maison has lost its satellite, we trudged out to find a video store. ( I mean, Little House on the Prairie was not that good in English -- imagine it dubbed in French! Exactly. Though Scooby Doo is still pretty good.)
We find “Futur Video,” and pick out some kids’ videos. Checking out, the young French dude asks if we have a membership. A membership??? We’re tourists. A membership?!
Me: “How much does a membership cost?”
--- “Oh, it’s free.”
“Great, we’ll take one.”
-- “Okay. I’ll just need an identity card and a copy of your mortgage or rental agreement.”
I start laughing. “C’est vrai?? Nous sommes tourists! “ and continue to explain that we have rented a house on #4 Raspail (not hard to find, given that it is one of the few houses that faces the world-renowned Arles Coliseum).
-- “Okay, then. No problem. Can I see the papers?”
I continue to explain that, between Ulys and I, we have “beaucoup” credit cards, passports and driver’s licenses but that, no, we did not bring any of our utility bills etc with us.
He is most perplexed. There are rules. (Yes, as I am sure you are also wondering, how do we know which ones must be followed???)
So he settles on an illegal arrangement (why this is okay escapes me): we give him a deposit of 20 Euros ($30), which he will refund, though, being illegal, cannot be guaranteed with a receipt.
I assure him, “You don't have to worry. We really really don’t want to steal Madagascar 1 or 2. I assure you!. Maybe some of your other videos, but not these.” He looks mildly embarrassed, but the $30 “deposit” stands.
On walking out with Steve Martin’s second Pink Panther movie and an irretrievably damaged copy of Madagascar 1, I turn to Ulys,
“Did we just get tricked out of $30?”
He: “I’m not sure. But we’ve got these videos.”
Me: “So we might have just paid $30 for two ancient used videos that won’t even work on our US DVD player?”
He shrugs.
And yet, today, it was all good. Same guy. Movie replacement . . no problem . . .
And so we have discovered that both of Steve Martin’s “Pink Panther” movies are HILARIOUS -- as long as you are watching with Zahra and Tai.
TWO: You will use embossed credit cards!
Ulys was loving the ease of Internet, and reserved a car for us in Arles (thus the windy beach, amazing aqueduct and magical town of Aigues Mortes). Using his credit card even provided driver’s insurance at no extra cost!
We arrive in town and Ulysses skips happily, singing to himself, into the rental agency (no, not really, but isn’t it a delicious image?), presents his credit card, and then . . . . dramatic drum roll:
“I am zorry we cannot axcept zis card”
Ulys: “Oh do you not accept credit cards?”
“Yes, we do axczept zem.”
Ulys: “But I’ve been using this card all over town. And there’s been no problem.”
“Ah, oui, but WE do not axcept zes cards.”
Ulys: “Are your sure?”
The car lady sighs heavily, closes her eyes and lets her head fall back. Silent prayer for patience. Head lowers, eyes reopen, “I am zure. One undred an feefty percent.”
Silence.
Ulys: “But I could use this card to pay online.”
“Yes, zat is true. Ewe deed not pre-pay online?”
Ulys: “No I didn't. But can I go do that now?”
“Yez, but why wood ewe? Ewe are already hewre.”
Ulys: “Could I use your computer.”
“Oh, no. Zis computare? Eat will not work.”
Ulys: “Can I pay cash?”
“Mais No! Zat is completely interdit.” (forbidden)
Impasse.
Ulys rifles around and finds a debit card, then asks doubtfully, “Do you accept this one?”
She looks at it, and answers cheerfully, “Yez, ziz one iz fine!”
More puzzled than usual, Ulys asks: “What is the difference?”
“Zur, zee numbourse on zat udder card are not raised up and we
cannot axcept ze cards with ze flat numbourse.”
At which point, she typed the numbers into the computer -- never even touching the card!!!
It all worked out, but no free insurance.
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